Introducing the Class of 2010 F1 Drivers…The Stig-style!

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The Class of 2010: Could Any one of them be…The Stig?

Some say they are weird men-robots hybrid, while others say their farts are the reason carbon dioxide levels are rising on earth. Their houses are wallpapered with money and they take champagne showers to keep their skin glowing. All we know is, they’re called…

FORMULA ONE DRIVERS.

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Some say he was cloned using a hair from Schumi’s razor, and that he got a sense of humour after he fell on his head as a baby. His music of choice during racedays is Lou Bega’s Mambo no. 5 and Mark Webber keeps a voodoo doll of him hidden in his trouser pocket. All we know is, he’s called…

SEBASTIAN VETTEL.


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Some say he came out of his mother’s womb dancing the Macarena, and that he’s so quick he went from being a newborn to a full-grown man in exactly 7-tenths of a second. His eyebrows require their own personal assistants and he’s known to like riding chickens…er, chicanes. All we know is, he’s called…

FERNANDO ALONSO.

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Some say his jaw can cut through diamond and carbon-fiber, while others say he races kangaroos and dingos before his breakfast of shrimp in the barbie. He makes his fellow drivers look like Lilliputians and his motor mouth is far more powerful than his car’s V8 engine. All we know is, he’s called…

MARK WEBBER.

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Some say he’s the Second Coming of Sliced Bread, while others say he sleeps hugging his  Superlicence. His gap-toothed smile is his secret weapon, he trims his sideburns to the shape of Spa-Francorchamps, and is known to randomly sing “Don’t cha wish your driver was cool like me,  Don’t cha wish your driver was fun like me, don’t cha?” when Ferrari bigshots walk past him. All we know is, he’s called…

LEWIS HAMILTON.

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Some say he’s as cute as his namesake, while others say pundits fall asleep on cue at the sight of him. Vibrations are his number one enemy, Contracts wilt as he drives past and rumour has it that the flavor Vanilla and Toast bread got insulted when they heard they were being compared to his personality. All we know is, he’s called…

JENSON BUTTON.

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Some say his first words out of his mother’s womb were “For sure!” and he learned to samba way before he can walk. His skull is now certified Barrichello car-proof and only his nanny Rob Smedley can stop him from crying and throwing his toys out of the pram in moments of distress. All we know is, he’s called…

FELIPE MASSA.


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Some say he’s probably the best female driver in the history of Formula One, while others say fields of daisies start blooming and fluffy white bunnies hop in glee as he drives past. His hair is the color of glistening sunshine and smells like strawberries and champagne. All we know is, he’s called…

NICO ROSBERG.

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Some say the Holy Grail resides inside his chin, while others say he’s so good in driving in the wet because he started learning to drive while he’s still inside his mother’s womb fighting the placenta. He keeps a mini-trampoline in his back pocket so he can practice his victory jumps anywhere and he can make Lady Gaga weep with his fashion sense. All we know is, he’s called…

MICHAEL SCHUMACHER.

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Some say he has the most aerodynamic nose in Formula One, and we don’t mean the one in his car. He’s the only driver who can rival Kimi Raikkonen in a “Best Poker Face” Competition and when he turns sideways, he gets mistaken for a cardboard cut-out of himself. All we know is, he’s called…

ROBERT KUBICA.

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Some say he grew up with a pet Sabertooth, while others say he puts vodka in everything, including his car’s fuel tank. He’s the only driver that has his country’s Prime Minister on his mobile phone’s speed dial, and no, he doesn’t give a damn who Fernando Alonso is. All we know is, he’s called…

VITALY PETROV.

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Some say he’s Kimi Raikkonen’s brother from a German mother, and that he started celebrating Oktoberfest as soon as he came out of the womb. He doesn’t turn green when he’s angry but water particles dissolve as he drives past on a fully-dry setup. There are rumours that his real product name is Kimbot v2.0, but the lab still refuses to confirm or deny it. All we know is, he’s called…

NICO HULKENBERG.

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Some say he has developed a phobia of the number 2, while others say that’s easily cured by getting him drunk and handing him a karaoke microphone. His forehead is sloped like Eau Rouge and the newest clause in his contract states that he cannot ever be teammates with drivers named Michael or Jenson anymore. All we know is, he’s called…

RUBENS BARRICHELLO.

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Some say he keeps a mini turntable inside his car and when summoned by the FIA post-Belgian GP, he gave them all a mix CD of Penalisation Rocks in Belgium. He’s the King of Random and Puzzling Thoughts and when asked in the latest GPDA meeting on how to improve the F1 cars, he reportedly answered, “Put wi-fi enabled laptops inside so we can tweet while we race!” All we know is, he’s called…

JAIME ALGUERSUARI.

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Some say he’s the poor man’s Vettel, while others say he’s the rich man’s Bourdais. Overtaking him is illegal in 12 countries and he can drive through sand dunes and snow faster than you can say “abracadabra!” All we know is, he’s called…

SEBASTIEN BUEMI.


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Some say he was a locomotive driver in his past life and his favourite childhood book is The Little Engine That Could. When he enters a room, Adrian Sutil covers his ears and Karun Chandhok covers his head. All we know is, he’s called…

JARNO TRULLI.

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Some say he came from the same factory as Kimi Raikkonen, except he was shipped off to the Surplus Outlet for having processor defects, while others say he’s the personification of Star Wars’ C3PO. He’s so cool he can put off an engine fire by simply staring at it, and no, he won’t look at you if you call him “Hokey-Kokey”. All we know is, he’s called…

HEIKKI KOVALAINEN.

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Some say he’s the Elton John of Formula One, that’s because he plays the piano. Why, what were you thinking? He gets teary-eyed when he sees Kimi Raikkonen and his catty claws come out when he sees Jarno Trulli. And just to be clear, his run isn’t girlish, it’s…refined. All we know is, he’s called…

ADRIAN SUTIL.

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Some say his hairline recedes with every early race retirement, while others say his forehead makes him more streamlined and aerodynamic. He mixes track dust with his coffee for breakfast
and Michael Schumacher frantically wears his helmet when he enters a room. All we know is, he’s called…

VITANTONIO LIUZZI.

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Some say he beat Vettel by a nose in the “Most Smiley German Competition” in the paddock, while others say he still has nightmares of being randomly attacked by overzealous Brazilians. Lewis Hamilton gave him the biggest Christmas card back in 2008 and there’s more to him than puns about his name and clocks. All we know is, he’s called…

TIMO GLOCK.

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Some say he’s the odd Brazilian out, while others say he once beat Bruno Senna AND Felipe Massa…in thumb wrestling. Crossing the Finish Line is no challenge for him, and he keeps proposing a Reversed Starting Grid anonymously. All we know is, he’s called…

LUCAS DI GRASSI.

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Some say he’s the last heir of the Samurai, while others say pure Sake runs in his veins. He was rumoured to have  overtaken the speed of light once and Takuma Sato trembles in his very presence. All we know is, he’s called…

KAMUI KOBAYASHI.

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Some say he secretly found the fountain of youth underneath the McLaren HQ in Woking, while others say he has a long-standing bet with Bernie Ecclestone on who can stay in F1 the longest. He’s the not the best secret-keeper in the world and he’s the only Spaniard with the middle name “Official Test Driver”. All we know is, he’s called…

PEDRO DELA ROSA.

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Some say the solution to World Hunger and Poverty is hidden in the depths of his brown man-bag, while others say his racing mojo comes from his ever-present beard. Winning a race is overrated for him and he’d much rather challenge for 2nd or 3rd. He puts Justin Timberlake to shame with his dancing skills and he’s not ashamed to discuss his teams’ “wanking” to the entire world. All we know is, he’s called…

NICK HEIDFELD.

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Some say the whole of Brazil faints at the mere flutter of his eyelashes, while others say he was uttering the sound of a V8 engine before he could even say his first words. He’s not a dog’s best friend but his luscious curls are the envy of the paddock. All we know is, he’s called…

BRUNO SENNA.

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Some say he should be a stand-up comedian instead of a racing driver, while others say, why not do both? His eyebrows require their own postal code and his head has been certified Trulli Train-proof. All we know is, he’s called…

KARUN CHANDHOK.

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Some say he’s the King of Parking in Racing, too bad he does it during racedays and in the middle of the track. The Safety Car and Crane drivers are his best mates and we still don’t know what the heck he was thinking with the pink helmet he once wore. All we know is, he’s called…

SAKON YAMAMOTO.

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Some say he’s been with so many F1 teams throughout the years that he can both open his own temping agency called “Temp F1” and sell F1 merchandise on EBay. All we know is, he’s called…

CHRISTIAN KLIEN.


Color Me Confused: The 2010 F1 Italian GP Round-Up

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An important win for Nando. Just about cements his status as #1 in Scuderia Ferrari. Image via GPUpdate

I should be happy with the result, but I’m not.

See, I’m a Ferrari fan. Or, I should say, I’m still a Ferrari fan–despite all the controversies and the forced exit of two of my favourite drivers, Michael Schumacher and Kimi Raikkonen. I just cannot quit them. Not yet, anyway. However, last night’s race might just be the beginning of the end.

Usually, I look forward to the Italian GP, as this is Ferrari territory and the drivers I root for have always been fortunate enough to get good results there. Yesterday though, I cannot muster enough excitement to fully get into the spirit of the race–I even skipped most of the pre-race show to watch highlights of the Superleague Formula instead. It got worse when I chanced upon a pre-show montage of the past Italian GPs, and I saw the former “King of Monza” Michael Schumacher and Kimi Raikkonen clad in the Scarlet of Ferrari. I felt as if my heart was being squeezed by an iron hand.

Fast forward to the race: The Ferrari of Fernando Alonso was on pole and Felipe Massa was 3rd. Jenson Button of McLaren was in 2nd. Personally, I hoped for a Sebastian Vettel win, as it’s about time the lad gets a break from his bouts of recent bad luck. I also hoped for a good performance from Nico Hulkenberg, Jaime Alguersuari and of course, Michael Schumacher. If I can’t be bothered about the frontrunners, then I’d better just focus on the underdogs, no?

Anyway, here are some of the noteworthy parts of the race:

1.0 Championship leader Lewis Hamilton had to retire even before the end of the 1st Lap after banging wheels with Felipe Massa, which damaged his right front suspension. My evil side was pleased, as this meant he’s certain to lose the WDC lead at the end of the race.

 

2.0 Jenson Button scared the Tifosi when he promptly took the lead in the race. I wasn’t too worried though as I thought the McLaren car wasn’t as fast in straights as the Ferraris.

3.0 Sebastian Vettel and Michael Schumacher, also known as Baby Schumi and Schumi, were quite anonymous in the first half of the race, as they languished in 8th and 9th.

4.0 For the 2nd race in a row, Scuderia Toro Rosso’s Jaime Alguersuari was given a penalty yet again, this time a drive-through, for being adjugded to have gained advantage by cutting through a chicane. Pobrecito just couldn’t get a break from the race officials.

5.0 I was completely ambivalent when the crucial part of the race happened– Alonso exiting the pitlane and just edging out Button for track position and effectively, the race lead. I was already channeling my energies into cheering for a certain Nico Hulkenberg.

6.0 Speaking of, this German driver named Nico Hulkenberg is well and truly the Driver of the Race for me. He held his bottle, kept his head down and refused to be bullied by a certain Mark Webber in giving up track position. The sight of Webber resorting to bratty hand gestures to show his frustration just cracked me up. It doesn’t hurt as well that Nico has the certain looks and aura of a driver whose name begins with Kimi and ends in Raikkonen. Watch out world, this lad may just be the Next Big Thing in F1.

Williams’ Nico Hulkenberg: He’s cool, he’s calm, and he drives like a Champ. Is he the 2nd Coming of Kimi Raikkonen? Image via GPUpdate.

7.0 Sakon Yamamoto of Hispania Racing reportedly ran over someone in their pit garage. Dear, oh dear. The image of his fellow Japanese Kazuki Nakajima plowing down one of his pit crew members in the 2007 Brazilian GP comes rushing back to me. Perhaps that was why the poor guy got so distracted afterwards that he got lapped numerous times and had to go through run-off areas. Time for a Karun Chandhok return?

8.0 Ferrari finished 1st and 3rd, with Button’s McLaren in 2nd. That win has effectively cemented Fernando Alonso’s #1 Driver Status in the Scuderia, not that it was in any danger, anyway. Poor Massa, is he destined to play Second Fiddle to ex-World Champions for the rest of his career? Loads of hugging and joking around in the holding area pre-Podium Ceremonies which only made me miss Kimi more. Anyway, Mark Webber is now leading the WDC Standings from Hamilton, and Alonso, Button and Vettel are all still in the fight for it.

Five drivers all have a chance of being crowned the 2010 World Drivers’ Championship. As I’ve told my friend V through SMS post-race, I honestly have no idea who’s going to win the Championship this year. That should be a good thing, right? Perhaps I’ll get some of my old excitement back when a driver I like either: a. Wins WDC or b. Comes back to F1.

Next up is Singapore, and I will personally be there for the 2nd year running, this time around for all 3 days of the event.  I will leave my Kimi Ferrari cap at home, though, in lieu of another piece of headgear. Which driver will I root for in the Lion City? What contraption will I wear in my head? Hint: I want a new race winner, and nobody better make me cross or else my headgear’s going to be used! See you, then! 😉