ICYMI: The F1 #SpanishGP Edition Roundup.

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The rain in Spain falls mainly on the…well, certainly not on track, or else we surely would have gotten a better race.

The race weekend wasn’t short on talking points though, thank goodness!

Eight days after the Azerbaijan GP, Williams lodged a complaint and asked the FIA to review the incident where Fernando Alonso nursed his McLaren back to the pits after a problem with his tires, among others:

The FIA rejected it, though:

Remember the Kangaroo TV/F1 Vision? It’s baaack!

French drivers Pierre Gasly and Esteban Ocon both attended the Cannes Film Festival, but their shadiness was revealed when it was found by fans that they cropped each other out of their Instagram pics:

Recap: Gasly revealed in an interview some weeks back that he and Ocon aren’t really friends anymore.

F1 officially launched its travelling Merchandise Superstore in Barcelona. Goodbye, money!

Before, it was Indy 500, but now the Le Mans 24hr race is now “the biggest race in the world” for Fernando Alonso…

And he likes the privacy of the F1 paddock compared to the WEC paddock:

I mean, 50 fans following you to the loo is kinda awkward…

McLaren unveiled their updates, including a new nose which polarized social media, to say the least:

Ferrari’s most obvious change/update was the halo-mounted mirrors:

The Red Bull drivers were helped by football legend and Catalan Andres Iniesta change tires in an event:

Iniesta politely turned down the chance to join the F1 grid next season, saying life on the fast lane is not for him.

Looks like we’ll have a second race in the USA from 2019. Bienvenido a Miami!

Daniel Ricciardo has commented on the rumor that F1 has trademarked the infamous “shoey”:

The most famous Pole in F1, the beloved Robert Kubica, had his first FP1 session since 2010:

Spainish GP? Is it because they’re in Catalan country…?

Track officials thankfully removed it after photos went viral.

Sauber driver Charles Leclerc joined Gasly and Hulkenberg in the Kevin Magnussen Non-Fan Club, after an incident with him in FP1:

Kevin Magnussen then received a reprimand for that daft move.

One of the more creative Kimi banners seen at a track. God Save the (Finnish) King!

Daniel Ricciardo had a strange F.E.A. message written on his helmet on the Friday:

Force India driver Sergio Perez had an incident on FP2 when his front left tire came loose after a pitstop and he had to park the car. The FIA fined his team for an unsafe release:

Guess who surfaced in the McLaren garage during FP3? None other than Martin Whitmarsh!

Remember last year’s famous crying kid? Thomas the adorable Kimi Raikkonen fan is back!

Here he is, reunited with Kimi:

Max Verstappen will earn a cool 150k for having an unapproved lookalike:

Other teams weren’t happy with Ferrari’s halo mirrors, so it has been banned from Monaco onwards.

We’ve seen it in Baku, and now Spain has also adopted the “pre podium interview”:

F1’s cameras found another tiny adorable fan, this time a Fernando Alonso superfan:

They tracked him down and got him to meet his Spanish hero! Joaquín, everyone!

Ex-Sauber/Ferrari/Williams driver Felipe Massa also attended the GP, and I think we can all agree that this photo of him with his ex-engineer and dear friend Rob Smedley is the heartwarming content we all need!

Raceday. That first lap crash that took Romain Grosjean, Nico Hulkenberg and Pierre Gasly out of the Spanish GP:

RoGro was handed a 3-place grid penalty and 2 license points for that incident:

The Mercedes drivers got the new tires to work perfectly for them, and they took their first 1-2 finish of the season:

Max Verstappen kept his head down, and despite damaging his front wing after colliding with a Williams car, managed to take his first podium finish this year.

Charles Leclerc finished in the points again, breaking a 3-year record for a Sauber driver:

The Spanish GP in 60 seconds:

And the GP summed up in one tweet:

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Hasta luego, España!

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ICYMI: The F1 #AzerbaijanGP Edition Roundup.

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The Azerbaijan GP is like a steak–it (the action) is either rare or well done.

With that horrible analogy out of the way, here are the talking points from a rather action-packed weekend:

Daniel Ricciardo has allegedly signed a pre-contract with Ferrari for 2019. This rumor started around the time of the Bahrain GP, and has resurfaced, this time with more…emphasis? No concrete sources have been named, so this remains a solid rumor (for now).

Red Bull have allegedly given Ricciardo until August to sign a new contract:

Ricciardo has also promised to do something very interesting if he wins the title this year:

Over to you, Sebastian and Lewis!

He also managed to squeeze in a minor lip surgery in between races. Yes, you read it right: a lip surgery.

It’s very tempting to put the blame on the infamous shoey.

Nico Hulkenberg (and Stoffel Vandoorne) got some unexpected comedy relief when they arrived at Azerbaijan…

Vandoome sounds like a comic book villain. Move over, Thanos!

Speculation spread like wildfire about that mysterious 3rd paddle on Sebastian Vettel’s steering wheel. What did he say when asked about it?

Whether or not you are a McLaren fan, try this tricky quiz to see how geeky you are when it comes to F1:

Baku’s F1 Drivers’ Wall has become quite popular/controversial, to say the least:

Those images are sort of difficult to forget. Well done, Baku.

FOM started superimposing graphics on the halo during FP1, and fans approved:

Both Charles Leclerc and Sergey Sirotkin made it into Q2 for the 1st time this season. The Battle of the Rookies is On like Donkey Kong!

Sebastian Vettel was unimpressive in both FP1 and FP2, but managed a strong FP3 and then snatched pole during Quali. And in case you’re interested, he only needs 1 more pole to complete a set of go-kart tires from Pirelli.

The Toro Rosso teammates both had a scare during quali. It could have resulted in a horrific crash but thankfully, some fantastic reflexes from Gasly prevented any accident.

Nico Hulkenberg admitted he uses (/used?) a dating app. Apparently, half the paddock is on it, too.

There really should be a dating app exclusively for motorsport personnel and fans alike. Get on it, developers!

Meanwhile, his teammate Carlos Sainz likes rap music, and already has his very own rapper name:

Raceday: Kimi Raikkonen and Esteban Ocon clashed during the 1st lap, which ended the Frenchman’s race. Ocon was definitely not happy with Kimi and had harsh words for him:

Perhaps the most shocking, and biggest controversy of the race, was when the two Red Bulls collided, effectively ending their race and steady march to a points haul.

Adrian Newey and his notebook were not impressed.

Ricciardo and Verstappen were ordered to apologize to the whole team:

Pierre Gasly was hugely unhappy with Kevin Magnussen after they tussled during the SC restart. He branded him “the most dangerous driver I’ve ever raced with”.

Gasly and Hulkenberg should form a club of Magnussen non-admirers.

Romain Grosjean was doing so well, he quietly made up tons of places and was on his way to a points finish–that was, until he crashed behind the Safety Car.

With that crash, Grosjean now holds a stat that isn’t something to be proud of:

Mercedes’ Valtteri Bottas was on his way to his (and Mercedes’) first win of the season, until he ran over some debris from previous incidents which blew up his right rear tire and led to his retirement. He was understandably crushed, and this photo spoke volumes of his heartbreak:

(Some are even saying this photo is already a strong contender for the F1 2018 Photo of the Season.)

Bottas’ teammate, and defending Champion Lewis Hamilton then went on to take the win, but before appearing for the podium ceremonies, Lewis went to see his teammate and offered his consolations. Look at him sharing his #blessedness…

Force India’s Sergio Perez also snatched a sneaky P3, despite having had a 5-second penalty earlier in the race. This was Perez’s return to the podium after nearly 2 years.

The feel-good story of the GP: Sauber’s Charles Leclerc scored the first few points of his F1 career by finishing P6, and became a Driver of the Day as well.

The Monégasque also broke a 68-year old standing record!

Toro Rosso’s Brendon Hartley also registered his first F1 points, thereby breaking a 42-year old standing record by a Kiwi:

The race was definitely not short on incidents. So here’s the “Reprimands! Sanctions! Penalties! No further actions!” Section:

The 2018 Azerbaijan GP summed up in a GIF:

Or, if you prefer a superquick recap, here’s the race in 60 seconds:

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Four races in: three different winners, plenty of on-track action and off-track debates. 2018 is shaping up to be a nail-biting season!

ICYMI: The F1 #AusGP Edition Roundup.

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We’ve officially survived the season-opener!

While it’s easy to get lost in the hundreds of articles recounting the race and post-race events, I’ve decided to compile a list of raceday’s interesting and real talking points, you know, the stuff that truly matters most?

No need to thank me, I do this all for love.

Überraschungssieg means “surprise victory” in German. Which is a fitting description for Sebastian Vettel’s masterstroke. From P3 to P1 in a difficult-to-overtake-in track? Sorcery*! Now try to pronounce that German word quickly five times in a row. You’re welcome.

(*More like luck + a well-timed pitstop under the VSC.)

Speaking of Vettel, his “signature dance” from last year was notably absent from his post-race celebrations, but not to worry, The Finger made a very visible comeback.

Nico Rosberg officially began his punditry career in F1–with stints in both RTL and Sky Sports F1–and still managed to take the time to introduce himself to a young F1 fan who had no idea who he was:

The grid kids made their debut. Just look at them in their snazzy F1 race suits! Hopefully there will be more diversity in the coming races. And admit it, did you even notice the absence of the grid girls?

A sandwich bag may be at fault for Sergey Sirotkin’s retirement from his first F1 race. And no, I cannot confirm whether it was of Polish origin or not.

A faulty drink tube nearly made Carlos Sainz Jr. vomit inside his helmet during the race. The said faulty tube was forcing the poor guy to drink too much water, and coupled with the G-forces he was enduring, Sainz experienced nausea but thankfully overcame it in time. Todo bien.

Update: Sainz later claimed a “poisoned banana” was the cause of his problems during the race. Yes, you read that right.

Kimi Raikkonen thinks his P3 finish is “Ok”.

He also owned his brand by posting an Iceman pic on his IG story.

(You really should get Instagram by now–following Kimi is so worth it.)

Also, did Kimi’s wife just shade his team Ferrari in her own IG story…?

The new graphics were generally well-received, until the battle of Lastname vs Lastname appeared on the telly and made social media crazy. And yes, that became an actual trending topic. Lastname FTW!

Charles Leclerc’s debut was much-anticipated but surprisingly ignored by the race directors. As in he was never shown driving his Sauber during the race broadcast at all. Leclerc can take comfort in the fact he’s got the best pose in the new starting grid graphics, though. Can you say swag?

The Haas drivers were actually having a good race. As in P4 and P5 good. Until they didn’t, as a result of 2 botched pit stops. Romain Grosjean’s parenting skills took center stage as he took his time to comfort his colleagues, while Kevin Magnussen found a perfect book to console him.

Some people on Twitter actually believed that Haas sabotaged the races of both their drivers so Ferrari can win. Come on, guys. Seriously?!

Hometown fave Daniel Ricciardo overcame his grid penalty, made up 4 positions to finish P4 and took the 1st Fastest Lap Award. He had quite an exciting cat-and-mouse chase with Kimi Raikkonen and dropped another quotable line (Ricciardoism?) in, “I don’t wanna let him breathe”. Erm, if that is your kink Dan, we won’t judge.

Both McLaren cars finished the race. And in the points! Sadly, the Toro Rosso-Honda partnership got off on a rocky start, as Pierre Gasly had to retire due to a PU issue, and Brendon Hartley limped home bringing up the rear.

Red Bull Racing took the Fastest Pit Stop Award. Surprisingly, Mercedes only ranked 10th. A blip in the famous German Efficiency?

Someone not named Max Verstappen won Driver of the Day. Who could it be? It’s the Papaya King himself, Fernando Alonso!

Nico Hulkenberg still wants the grid girls back. And made a Tom & Jerry comparison to emphasize his point. Oh deer. Just let it go, Hulk. It ain’t worth it.

Nine out of the Top 20 Worldwide Trends on Twitter, within an hour of the race finish, were F1-related. And they say F1 Fans are losing interest?

Giant cardboard driver faces are a little bit terrifying, but also hilarious. Are those an in thing this season, now?

(P.S. Where do I get some?)

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Darn it, Bahrain is now going to feel like a lifetime away.

The Alternative Guide To The 2018 F1 Grid.

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The countdown is on. Within a few days, the F1 Circus will wreak havoc in our lives (and body clocks) yet again, and oh how we love it!

Let’s get to know the twenty drivers who will take part in this year’s championship, not by stats or scientifically-measured data (come on, surely you can easily Wikipedia them), but by the common perceptions (and misconceptions) they are known within social media*:

(*N.B. Remember to take these with a humorous grain of salt! )

Lewis Hamilton

#Blessed. Defending Champ. Menswear Ambassador of Tommy Hilfiger (i.e. He gets to rub elbows with Gigi Hadid). Resident Fashionista of F1. The British Racing Messiah. Will most likely dominate again if rivals don’t step up. Pawrent to dogs Roscoe and Coco. Shows off his abs on Instagram. Still not friends with Nico Rosberg.

Valtteri Bottas

The Other Finn. Cool as a cucumber but needs to rile Lewis up a bit. Famously and sensibly turned down a Ricciardo podium shoey. Owns a cat named Turbo. He likes Moomin, apparently? It’s been awhile since #BOTTAS took off–will we see the return of it this season?

Sebastian Vettel

The Finger. Does the Egyptian dance on the podium when he wins because of an inside joke with his kids. Demands blue flags over the radio. Names his cars after women. Ferrari AF. Yells “Grazie Ragazzi!” at the drop of a hat. Refuses to join social media. Lawnmowing gives him satisfaction. Mr. Honestly and Obviously.

Kimi Raikkonen

(Will) The Iceman (cometh?). Officially the oldest driver on the F1 grid. Still the last Ferrari Champion. Still the sentimental fave of many. Ex-Shampoo endorser. Most-followed Finnish racer on Instagram. Future owner of a karaoke bar. Sleep is Life. Sassy when he wants to be. Allergic to BS.

Daniel Ricciardo

The Honey Badger. Bearer of a smile that deserves a toothpaste endorsement. Currently in a limbo–this season will determine whether he stays with Red Bull or moves on to greener pastures. Occasionally does the infamous (and disgusting) shoey. Will sneakily nick your phone and take silly selfies. Friendly but ruthless. Game for practically anything.

Max Verstappen

The Great Dutch Hope. No titles in junior formulae or in F1 (yet), but already has grandstands named after him in various GPs. F1 Legacy Kid, but already surpassed the achievements of his opinionated (i.e. annoying) father. Likes to annoy the Ferrari drivers. Horner’s fave. Prince of Social Media Polls. Plays video games a lot.

Sergio Perez

Got caught with a facial expression that launched many memes. He used to be a McLaren driver. New dad. (Alleged) Tom Cruise doppelganger. His Mission (Impossible): To keep his highly-rated teammate behind him at all costs.

Esteban Ocon

Monsieur (O)Consistency. Has the longest name among the 2018 drivers: Try saying Esteban Jose Jean-Pierre Ocon-Khelfane 5 times in a row. Not afraid to rub his teammate the wrong way (on-track, at least). Tipped by many to get at least a podium finish this year. Likes to post gym photos and videos. Nice to fans. Eerily looks like someone famous–if you can figure out who, please let me know.

Nico Hulkenberg

The (Not Yet So) Incredible Hulk. Is this the year he finally gets a podium finish? Needs to deliver so he can shake off those unwanted F1 records. He won Le Mans, so there’s that. Occasionally puts foot in mouth with his statements on controversial issues. The Tall One. Impressive hair. Not a fan of Kevin Magnussen.

Carlos Sainz Jr.

Had Renault and Toro Rosso fighting over him. Can you blame them? Alonso fanboy. Possible heir to Alonso? He makes helmet hair look good. Lowkey fella. His (racing and hair) rivalry with Hulkenberg should be an interesting one. Not afraid to eat out alone. Dates himself because he’s worth it.

Romain Grosjean

Monsieur Snitch/Monsieur Savage–Depending on which driver he’s discussing with Charlie Whiting. Takes his GPDA role very seriously. Likes to cook in his spare time. Doesn’t crash during first laps anymore. Still has his sights set on a Ferrari drive.

Kevin Magnussen

Told Hulkenberg to suck his balls on live tv. Gives 0 f*cks about what other drivers think of him. Another F1 Legacy Kid. People forget he once got P2. New Dubai resident. Not a fan of oysters.

Fernando Alonso

The Best Driver on the Grid. Or so his fans say. This year will be his year. Another thing his fans say. Most Distinctive Eyebrows in F1. Second oldest driver on the grid. Will be unfaithful to F1 several times this season to chase an elusive motorsport victory. Sticks Kimoa decals on a lot of things. Generally a good sport about his questionable career choices. He once sat on a deck chair and turned social media batshit crazy.

Stoffel Vandoorne

Possibly has the patience of a saint. Give him a good car already! Handles Alonso like a champ. Silent waters run deep. Difficult to dislike. He may be Belgian, but he’s not a waffle fan.

Pierre Gasly

Circle game aficionado. Don’t look at his hands when he posts a photo or a video. Got denied a Super Formula title by a typhoon. Benedict Cumberbatch lookalike. Decent at bellydancing. Nicknamed his car Gasmobile. Already affectionately messing with his teammate.

Brendon Hartley

Look, a Kiwi! Super chill and laidback. Made a surprise “comeback” to F1. Again, a Kiwi: Don’t put the Aussie flag next to his name. Has an interesting hairstyle history (search his old pics on Twitter).

Lance Stroll

Grumpy Richie Rich? Didn’t pay much attention to what Felipe Massa taught him. Got one back on Jacques Villeneuve when he managed a podium in Baku last year. CBA with Twitter, stays mainly on Instagram. Couldn’t do a royal wave as well as Nico Rosberg.

Sergey Sirotkin

Not Robert Kubica. Also not a bad driver but will always have the bad rap of preventing the Kubica Comeback. Missed out on a Renault seat. Must overcome the label of Pay Driver.

Marcus Ericsson

“Why is he still here?” Not Pascal Wehrlein. Must perform well or risk being overshadowed by a rookie. His helmet design this year is retro decent, though.

Charles Leclerc

Hype! The rookie to watch out for. Self-confessed Harry Potter lookalike. Can he work magic in F1? Fave of the teenage girls and Mums alike. He’s not French, he’s Monégasque. Kimi Raikkonen and Ferrari fanboy. Chronic liker of tweets.

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So who among the 20 will emerge as the ultimate victor? Who will surprise and who will disappoint? Who will shatter their narratives and rewrite their stories? Only way to find out is to stay tuned (and online). Don’t get left in the dust!

Introducing The F1 Class of 2015: Game Of Thrones-style.

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After I started watching the HBO Masterpiece Game of Thrones, I now categorize people into two sections:

1. People who love Game of Thrones and; 2. People who have no idea yet how much they’re going to love Game of Thrones.

The show, adapted from George R.R. Martin’s series of books titled A Song Of Ice And Fire, contains drama, sex, wars, power plays, politicking, violence, and hedonism, among others. What’s not to love? Also, doesn’t it sound a lot like the world of Formula One that we love (and hate)?

And so this season, I have decided to imagine F1 in terms of the GoT World. Shall we get to know the main characters who shall contest the Iron Throne…er, the 2015 WDC?

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LH

House Hamilton

Led by: Lord Lewis Hamilton

Liege to the Realm of Mercedes

House words:

“Only God Can Judge Me.”

He is the current ruler who the rest will do their best to dethrone. His swagger is immeasurable. His temper flares, unpredictable. And he’s too #Blessed to care what other people think of him. Stay pressed.

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NR

House Rosberg

Led by: Lord Nico Rosberg

Liege to the Realm of Mercedes

House words:

“The Pretty Remembers.”

Beneath that blonde gleam is steel. Valyrian steel. Don’t provoke him and make him channel his inner Lannister, this heir to the 1986 F1 WDC is both beauty and brains and he knows how to play this game pretty damn well.

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DR

House Ricciardo

Led by: Lord Daniel Ricciardo

Liege to the Realm of Red Bull Racing

House words:

“We Do Not Frown.”

This Aussie’s biggest, and possibly most baffling weapon in his armory, is none other than his ability to maintain a smile upon his face. Do not be fooled by it and be lulled into thinking he is a racing pushover, for you just might wake up his alter ego, the honey badger.

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DK

House Kvyat

Led by: Lord Daniil Kvyat

Liege to the Realm of Red Bull Racing

House words:

“A Russian Always Pays His Debts.”

He may be young, but you would not want to mess with this one. His teenage looks belie the ice (vodka?) in his veins, and while it is easy to dismiss him as one of those entitled, backed-by-wealth racers, he has already shown flashes of brilliance that neither money, nor political influence, can acquire.

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SV

House Vettel

Led by: Lord Sebastian Vettel

Liege to the Realm of Ferrari

House words:

“The Finger Is Coming.”

Having been dethroned after ruling this racing kingdom for four straight years, Sebastian has switched allegiances and is now ready to take back what was once his. Can he channel his inner Targaryen and restore House Vettel’s prestige? Watch out for the Finger, it may have been down, but it’s certainly not out.

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KR

House Raikkonen

Led by: Lord Kimi Raikkonen

Liege to the Realm of Ferrari

House words:

“Racing. Fishing. Screwing.”

Way before his now infamous quote, “Leave me alone, I know what I’m doing.” the verbose (not) Finn has already made it known what his life priorities are (actually, that’s what he said Finns pretty much do). And who can blame him? Sounds like a life truly worth living. Carry on being you, Kimi.

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FA

House Alonso

Led by: Lord Fernando Alonso

Liege to the Realm of McLaren-Honda

House words:

“Scheming Strong.”

There is no one more savvy on the grid when it comes to politics and psych wars than our beloved Fernando. He makes hardcore politicians and champion chess players look like amateurs compared to his tireless tactics. Could he be F1’s very own Peter Baelish, aka Littlefinger? Think you can stay one step ahead of him? He’s already plotting your downfall as you read this. So good luck. And better leave him space.

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JB

House Button

Led by: Lord Jenson Button

Liege to the Realm of McLaren-Honda

House words:

“Get A Grip.”

Our Jenson is like a Tyrell—rich (in racing talent), popular and attractive but seemingly lacking in ruthlessness that is necessary to claim the throne in not-so-perfect conditions (i.e, not having the ideal/dominant car). His time may be running out soon so he’ll want to up the ante, lessen the groans and grind it out each race. And with a teammate like Fernando, it’s more than necessary for him to watch his back!

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Williams F1 Driver Studio Images. January 2015. Felipe Massa. Photo: Williams F1 (Copyright Free FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY) ref: Digital Image WILLIAMS JAN1240 Edit House Massa

Led by: Lord Felipe Massa

Liege to the Realm of Williams Racing

House words:

“Uncrowned. Unbent. Unbroken. For Sure.”

He was World Champion for a few precious seconds in 2008, until…he wasn’t. Still, despite a change in teams, this peppy Brazilian has not given up on that crown and is still actively contributing to the number of “For sures” in every article/press release.

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VB

House Bottas

Led by: Lord Valtteri Bottas

Liege to the Realm of Williams Racing

House words:

“See Me Soar.”

Because he is the new Flying Finn. Get it?! Besides, we should know by now that Finns would rather show than tell.

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NH

House Hulkenberg

Led by: Lord Nico Hulkenberg

Liege to the Realm of Sahara Force India

House words:

“As Tall As Talent.”

He stands out in the paddock for more than just his height, and yet he is still waiting for that Eureka Moment (i.e, a top team to sign him up) to arrive. Nico is like a Lord in the Vale: Well-regarded, yet often overlooked and vastly underestimated.

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SP

House Perez

Led by: Lord Sergio Perez

Liege to the Realm of Sahara Force India

House words:

“I Don’t Know Nothing.”

People are quick to criticize Sergio when he makes on-track mistakes, but they forget that he was a podium finisher twice in his young F1 career now and has proven he can dice with the best of them.

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MV

House Verstappen

Led by: Lord Max Verstappen

Liege to the Realm of Scuderia Toro Rosso

House words:

“The Seed Is Strong.”

Father Jos may not have set the world of F1 alight, but the son has already set the record for being the youngest-ever F1 driver in history at the age of 17. Max has been touted by pundits and insiders alike to be the 2015 Rookie to watch out for. Premature hype? Watch Lord Max prove his critics wrong.

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CS

House Sainz

Led by: Lord Carlos Sainz Jr.

Liege to the Realm of Scuderia Toro Rosso

House words:

“Fire In (Spanish) Blood.”

He is not the offspring of the Carlos Sainz for nothing. And he has already shown that he is not scared of going wheel-to-wheel with veterans and newbies alike. Could this hombre be out to dethrone Fernando Alonso as the Great Spanish Hope? I smell a n F1 Kingslayer in training…

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PM

House Maldonado

Led by: Lord Pastor Maldonado

Liege to the Realm of Lotus

House words:

“Ours Is The Notoriety.”

You know you’ve made it into F1 Infamy when you have your very own website dedicated to your on-track snafus: http://www.haspastormaldonadocrashedtoday.com

Nevertheless, let us not forget that this is the last driver to have won a race that is not from Red Bull, Ferrari, Mercedes or McLaren. There is clearly talent there, but hey, good on Pastor for owning his notoriety so well that it’s only a matter of time before critics can’t use it against him anymore.

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RG

House Grosjean

Led by: Lord Romain Grosjean

Liege to the Realm of Lotus

House words:

“Mistakes Are Wind.”

Who are you calling “1st Lap Nutcase”? Romain has surprisingly shed this infamous nickname this past couple of seasons and has emerged a calmer, more…subdued racer. But to be honest, more than a few fans are missing the ballsy Romain of old. Lets’ hope he finds that precocious balance between calm and ballsy this year and regains a valuable place in the pecking order.

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ME

House Ericsson

Led by: Lord Marcus Ericsson

Liege to the Realm of Sauber

House words:

“Stealth Is Wealth.”

Hands up if you still remember what Ericsson achieved last season and what team he drove for. Anyone? Well, what is important is that he is still on the grid, waiting for that one chance where he can do something spectacular that will make the racing world remember his name once again.

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FN

House Nasr

Led by: Lord Felipe Nasr

Liege to the Realm of Sauber

House words:

“It Is Known (I Am My Own Felipe).”

It is not easy to enter F1 when the name Felipe is automatically connected to Massa, but this seasoned young racer is already debunking the “there can only be one” memes out there with his early results. Can he sustain this good fortune and win the Battle of Felipes this season? Stay tuned.

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WS

 

House Stevens

Led by: Lord Will Stevens

Liege to the Realm of Manor GP

House words:

“Now My Race Has Begun.”

After a lot of…roadblocks and difficulties, Stevens has finally made his proper F1 debut, and already had a race finish under his belt! Now the question is, until when can he extend his stay and can he do the impossible and fill the boots of Jules Bianchi?

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RM

House Merhi

Led by: Lord Roberto Merhi

Liege to the Realm of Manor GP

House words:

“A Start Is A Start.”

His future in F1 is as unknown as Jon Snow’s parentage, but perhaps Merhi can take comfort in the adage, “Enjoy the present, for it is a gift.” Take it one race at a time, and let’s see where that leads…

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Which House will win the F1 Game Of Thrones 2015?

All I know is that: All Men Must…Race.

 

 

Introducing the F1 Class of 2014: Through Twitter-Style Poems*.

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(*Expressed in exactly 140 Characters.)

A new F1 season is upon us yet again, and it is time to get to know the new and not-so-new 22 fellas who shall amaze, inspire, irk, annoy, baffle, confound and emotionally-torture us for one whole year through an exercise of brevity otherwise known as the medium of Twitter-style Poetry:

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vettel

Sebastian Vettel

 Seb is a champ, that much is known

He may be flawed, & he damn can own

His job: to race, to fight, to win

Being talented isn’t a sin.

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ricciardo

Daniel Ricciardo

 RBR’s new guy is called Dan

To the Aussies, he’s the man

His smile can be seen from outer space

But he’s serious as heck in a race

Multi 31?

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hamilton

Lewis Hamilton

 He does all he can

Just let him drive, man

Don’tcha wish your driver’s H.A.M like him?

Who chases a win even if chances are slim?

Peace out.

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rosberg

Nico Rosberg

 The dilemma of Nico

Is to downplay looks that makes fans go loco

From the track to the pitwall

He’s the fairest of them all

Mind the talent!

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raikkonen

Kimi Raikkonen

 They call him Kimster

Poker-faced Finnish gangster

Cold as fire, hot as ice

Mind his mumblings, they’re quite wise

He knows what he’s doing.

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alonso

Fernando Alonso

 The Samurai of Formula 1

His brand of tactics? 2nd to none

You must always give him space

Or get a taste of his gameface

Psych wars, ahead!

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button

Jenson Button

 This lad’s quite spiffy in the wet

And he’s the Brits’ 2nd bet

On track he employs stealth

Off track he values health

Give him proper grip!

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magnussen

Kevin Magnussen

 This McLaren rookie named Kevin

May be young, but he ain’t messin’

First race, p2, this Dane is great

Will a WDC be in his fate?

Stay tuned.

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grosjean

Romain Grosjean

 1st lap nutcase, Smiley Giraffe

That once made plenty on-track gaffe

He was mellowed by his son

& now he is Lotus’ de facto no.1

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maldonado

Pastor Maldonado

 He may have a reputation

That he brings on-track aggravation

So now this Venezuelan laddie

Has become F1’s fave baddie

What will he do next?

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hulkenberg

Nico Hulkenberg

 Talent & potential? He sure has them

Eye of the Tiger should be his anthem

Hulk is his nickname

Intense racing is his game

Elephant Balls.

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perez

Sergio Perez

 He was on a high then on a low

A bad year doesn’t mean this lad’s slow

New team & new chance for Checo

His partner? Superfast Nico

Game on.

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vergne

Jean-Eric Vergne

 He missed out on an RBR drive

But with STR he’ll continue to strive

Step up JEV & prove your worth

You just might have a racing rebirth

Go!

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kvyat

Daniil Kvyat

 Daniil may look wet between the ears

But he races with no fears

He deftly stole Vettel’s record

Without causing any discord

Doubt-dispeller.

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massa

Felipe Massa

 For years he was Smedley’s guy

A bromance/partnership money can’t buy

New team, new start & new hope

Let’s see if Felipe can cope

Stay cool.

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bottas

Valtteri Bottas

 Cool when needed, nerves of steel

This Finn’s steady behind the wheel

A hashtag? He is so much more

Ready to show what he has in store

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sutil

Adrian Sutil

He’s the odd German out

Who doesn’t hold much clout

The other 3 are going rampant

He doesn’t need to go stagnant

Find the fight, Adrian!

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gutierrez

Esteban Gutierrez

 He can rival Nando’s eyebrows

Had mild highs & rather bum lows

Sophomore year for young Esteban

Can he become Sauber’s main man?

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kobayashi

Kamui Kobayashi

 Now the Banzai Power is back

Expect to see an all-out attack

Kamui’s sweet but he’s also spicy

His on-track tactics? Borderline dicey

Push!

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ericsson

Marcus Ericsson

 He’s the new Swede on the block

Eager to show he’s fast on the clock

He gets to race a car so green

Can he get points, is he that keen?

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bianchi

Jules Bianchi

 The 3rd Frenchman of the lot

He hasn’t yet shown all that he’s got

Push on, Jules & just drive

You can keep your points dream alive

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chilton

Max Chilton

 This lad Max is a noob no more

Time to show us what he’s got in store

Yes he can finish every race

But a point sure would be ace

Step it up!

P.S. If you want legit profiles, Google is your friend.

Introducing The F1 Class of 2013…And Their Alter-Egos.

Standard

The wait is finally over. F1 2013 is upon us and the 22 protagonists have been unveiled. I could easily have written a traditional collection of drivers’ profiles but then again, where’s the fun in that? And so I present to you the drivers and their respective alternative selves for your amusement*:

*Warning: A healthy dose of sense of humour and a certain level of pop culture knowledge are needed to fully appreciate this post.

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Sebastian Vettel and the Road Runner

They’re extremely fast, they’re clever and can be quite funny almost effortlessly. So how come they’re still not universally-liked? To the victor belongs not only the spoils but also the backstabbings and criticisms. Yikes. So watch your back, Seb, there are loads of Wile E. Coyotes out there waiting to pounce on you with their anvils! Focus on your racing and leave them all behind to eat your dust! Meep Meep!

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 Mark Webber and Daffy Duck

He’s not the typical protagonist: He’s outspoken, overtly confident, and aggressive when he wants to be. Things not going his way? Well, he’ll cleverly find ways to remedy that with or without the help of others (*cough*his team*cough*). Oh, and when he starts yapping his mouth off, there’s no telling when he’ll stop. Or what he’ll say about who. He can be intriguingly uncensored. And we love our Webbo (and Daffy Duck) for that.

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Fernando Alonso and the Terminator

Never count him out. To underestimate him would be a horrible schoolboy error. Behind the silly and pseudo-artistic Instagram images and hilarious tweets is a mind of a cyborg that is programmed to do one thing and one thing only: WIN. At all costs. Destroy the competition if he must. He’ll be back. After he waxes his eyebrows, of course.

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Felipe Massa and Robin

Oh Felipe Baby, when will you ever become more than just a glorified sidekick? Still, there are moments when he wonderfully channels the Boy Wonder. He’s perfectly fine when left to do his own battles, but when Batman (or team orders) arrives, he has the tendency to allow himself to be slapped around like a bitch. Wham! Bam! Kapow!

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Jenson Button and Dry Toast

Let’s face it, our Jenson is not the most exciting nor controversial of characters, isn’t he? You might even say that’s what makes him such an “ideal” man for McLaren. On the bright side, just put butter, cheese, jelly, marmite, etc. on top and he can actually be considered adaptable, versatile, and dare I say it, indispensable?! They’re also both better with heat, because it gives them “more grip”.

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Sergio Perez and Speedy Gonzales

He almost always has a smile on his face and he seems so tiny you just want to hang him on your car’s rearview mirror. And he tries, he really does. When he’s quick, he’s unstoppable, and when he’s not, well, he’ll just apologise and smile it off. Bless his little woven sombrero for that.

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Kimi Raikkonen and a Polar Bear

Yes, yes, yes, we all know that this Finn is nicknamed “the Iceman”, but hear me out when I say that he has a lot of similarities with this quite-misunderstood creature: Kimi is like a polar bear in the sense that he looks cute and cuddly, has a tendency to “hibernate”, does not give a shit about what the outside world or the other species think about him, likes the cold, likes to fish, but in the blink of an eye, can turn into a deadly, ferocious hunter to get what he wants. Now hand him a fresh salmon, er, magnum and coke, and leave him alone to chill. This bear knows what he’s doing.

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Romain Grosjean and a Giraffe

You wouldn’t think a giraffe can be so dangerous, but countless watchings of National Geographic have proven that a threatened or panicky giraffe can wreck havoc in an ecosystem (bet you’ll want to youtube that). Much like our Romain, you wouldn’t think his ever-smiley Frenchie face has the capacity to hurt a fly, but he certainly earned the “1st lap nutcase” nickname bestowed to him by fellow racer Mark Webber. Here’s hoping he’ll channel a graceful—rather than a clumsy—giraffe this season, not just for his sake but more for the sake of his fellow drivers.

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Nico Rosberg and Britney Spears

Okay, so I couldn’t resist and left Nico’s popular nickname/alter ego unchanged. They’re both pretty faces that attract fans by the droves. Some say they’re overrated but when they turn up their performance level to the max and show flashes of brilliance, you couldn’t help but be awed. When they’re good, they’re spectacular, but when they’re bad, just…cringe and close your eyes. Look beyond the gleaming blond facade, for there’s genuine talent in there somewhere, believe me. Hit me baby, one more time!

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Lewis Hamilton and Dennis the Menace

He’s not as bad as some people make him out to be, our Lewis. Lewis and Dennis the Menace both start out with good intentions but then certain circumstances develop and things end up in a hilarious, horrible, facepalm-worthy mess. At times, it seems like they don’t look for trouble, trouble’s attracted to them like ants to sugar. But hey, like I said, they’re not all that bad—they both maintain a certain level of enthusiasm that many find contagious and endearing.

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Nico Hulkenberg and Cinderella

They’re tall, lithe, blonde and blue-eyed. Oh, and both have…special feet? The German’s slight problem with his Sauber car during the winter test (i.e. he wore racing shoes that were too big and constantly hit the car’s body which caused discomfort throughout the testing session) got so blown-up by the media that his feet are now as much of a talking point as his racing talent. Question is, will he also encounter evil stepsisters along the way and will he find the fairytale drive at Sauber and live happily ever after?

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Esteban Gutierrez and Bert

They both have bushy eyebrows, let’s get that out of the way. But aside from that, like Bert, he has to play the de facto 2nd fiddle to the more popular, not-just-slightly-preferred “Ernie” of his Sauber teammate Hulkenberg, and that is not an easy task. For now, the young Mexican seems to be good friends with the German, but we shall see whether the two can sustain being BFFs until the end of the season.

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Paul DiResta and a Basset Hound

F1’s Mr. Positive (not) certainly isn’t the most magnetic nor charismatic chap, but like the droopy basset hound, still attracts a…certain set of fans. Surely, he doesn’t consciously try to look gloomy most of the time, but someone should still remind him that a smile (and a positive attitude) every once in a while won’t hurt!

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Adrian Sutil and a Porcupine

Like a porcupine, he usually minds his own business, and yet, there’s still that certain element of danger about him.  So yeah, it’s best to stay out of his way and refrain from sparking his ire (looking at you, Lewis), unless you want to get pricked/stabbed (Oh yes, I went there).

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Pastor Maldonado and a Bulldozer

Pop star Rihanna may have had Pastor in mind when she sang the lyrics, “…I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it…” (You can stop sniggering now), because that encapsulates our Pastor quite well. Like a bulldozer, he plows down—whether consciously or subconsciously—everything that gets in his way, and sometimes ends up making a spectacular mess out of it. But hey, at least he doesn’t do anything halfway!

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Valtteri Bottas and R2D2

The Finn that replaced the “spare” Finn in F1 looks to have come from the same School of Word Economy like his fellow Finns, but for now, his personality is still a bit lacking and mechanical, akin to that of the wee robot in Star Wars. Hopefully, he’ll come out of his shell more and prove that he’s far more than just a Twitter hashtag.

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Jean Eric Vergne and a Mime

Jean-Eric seems to be a man of few words. Not in a Kimi Raikkonen-way but in a…more mysterious way, I suppose? Anyway, this Toro Rosso man prefers to go the “action speaks louder than words” route, and so far, it seems to be working in his favour. Although perhaps it wouldn’t hurt for him to express himself more in interviews, oui?

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Daniel Ricciardo and a Jack-In-The-Box

Wind him up, wait, and boom—out he pops! At times, we never really know when this Aussie racer will properly turn up in a race, which can be frustrating considering the potential he has shown in his rookie year. But when he does turn up, he delivers notable performances, which somehow makes the wait a little bit more forgivable.

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Charles Pic and a Mushroom

Sometimes you see him, sometimes you don’t. There’s no denying that Charles Pic has talent, after all, he’s now on his 2nd year in F1 and even got the chance to move to another team. However, like a mushroom, he does have a tendency to become inconspicuous in some (maybe a lot of) races, yet at times, he just seems to pop up from nowhere to join in on the racing mix. Let’s see how he fares this season, perhaps next year I can promote him to being a truffle instead of a mere mushroom.

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Giedo van der Garde and Wine

He’s been in the periphery of F1 for quite a while now, and yet this year is only his rookie year. Like wine, he has been patiently maturing in the barrel for years, waiting for the right moment to be bottled, sold, drunk and evaluated by the public. Will his 2013 performance reviews be sweet and divine or sour and putrid? We shall see.

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Jules Bianchi and Harry Houdini

Just when you thought he’s out of the running for an F1 2013 drive, Jules managed to pull out an impressive comeback so last-minute you’d think it was a work of a magician. And what about that fastest lap in Melbourne that was like only 0.045 seconds off from Vettel’s time? Something tells me this lad may have more stunning “escapes” and tricks up his sleeves this season. Stay tuned.

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Max Chilton and Richie Rich

Poor little rich boy Max will have quite a hard time shaking off the dreaded “pay driver” tag, and the rumours surfacing that his dear daddy might buy his current team Marussia aren’t helping his street cred, either. Should he apologise for having the resources to fulfill his dreams/whims? Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

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So there you have it. Some of them may be harsh, but hey, nobody said F1 fans are easy to please. Welcome to yet another year of this circus, one and all!