An Open Letter to Kimi and Fernando.

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Masterstroke or Epic Fail? Photo via Google

Red-Tinted Masterstroke or Epic Fail?
Photo via Google

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Dear Kimi and Fernando,

You better pay attention to what I have to say.

Yes, you have no choice but to read this letter together—because from now on, you are a unit, a team, merged entities, gladiators, even. Don’t worry, I shan’t merge your names and give you a Hollywood-esque monicker, even I draw the line at that.

Remember 2001, when you two were tipped to be The Future of Formula One and fans and experts salivated at the very thought of having you two in the same team in the future? I was one of those wide-eyed, idealistic fans hoping and praying you two would get together (obviously not in a fanfic sort of way–that’s just weird) just to see and experience the…sheer awesomeness of it. Remember when it almost happened in 2010, but due to certain circumstances which I shan’t discuss anymore, that deal spectacularly collapsed and I had to nurse a proverbial broken heart until Kimi returned to F1 in 2012? But enough about my reminiscing, it has finally happened and a lot has to be said, so whether you like it or not, you’re just going to have to read on and deal.

Anyway, here’s the lowdown: First of all, while I am aware of this “All’s fair in love and war” cliché, I still want, nay, demand, a clean and fair fight between the two of you, okay (I may have side-eyed you there, Fernando)? You both have different ways of dealing with conflict—Avoidance (Kimi) and Passive-Aggressiveness (Nando), but you need to dig deep and channel your inner fierce warriors towards the rest of the field, not towards each other. The Mind Games and Politicking? They may be part and parcel of F1, but you need to get a grip and realize that they may do more harm than good, so screw them and just focus on the most important thing: Racing Your Socks Off.

Also, the Constructor’s Title needs to come back to Ferrari, you hear me? There has to be a scarlet-clad driver in every single podium ceremony this season, but most especially in Monza.  I need to rekindle my…F1 Feelings again, and you will help me do it in every possible way that you can, capiche?

Kimi, let me just say that although I had my share of trepidation when I found out about your Ferrari return, I have since considerably calmed down and it has now been replaced by excitement. Cautious excitement, but still, a step in the positive feelings’ spectrum. All I can say is that as a loyal fan of yours, I trust in your judgment, and wherever you are happy, I shall support you. In short, win and score as many points as you can. That’s an order, Mr. Raikkonen.

And Nando, I’ll come clean: I like Kimi a whole lot more than you, so of course I’d want him to win the Championship this year. I’m just keeping it real, bro. Then again, if you can prove to be the much better driver and be able to beat Kimi fair and square (notice how I keep repeating the word ‘fair’ here?), which I know you are very much capable of, then I shall gladly and humbly doff my hat to you. And a word of caution, you don’t want to piss off the legions of Kimi fans around the world, so go easy on your…tactics, okay?

Do I sound harsh? Don’t answer that. The fact is, compared to millions, my aforementioned expectations (and demands) make me seem like an absolute pussycat. The expectations on your shoulders are nothing short of monumental only because the racing world knows of what you two are made of–Pure. Class.  For every devoted Tifosi (or a Raikkonen/ Alonso fan), there is a rival fan and ruthless critic who can’t wait to see you two struggle, to be frustrated and to fail. But you know what? For every single non-believer out there, I have the faith and the energy of a thousand suns to support you and in some way or another, make the odds be in your favour.

Whatever happens, you both will always be part of My F1 History. Thank you/ Kiitos/ Gracias for that.

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So go on and give us all a good show, gentlemen.

I will be watching. And cheering. And possibly judging–in a constructive manner, mind. But mostly being very supportive, I assure you.

Go forth and be bouncebackable, Men in Red. I believe in you.

Sincerely,

Bouncebackabilitrix

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Link Or It Didn’t Happen: Kimi Raikkonen 101.

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The biggest news this week is that our favourite chatty (not) Finn in Formula One has re-signed with his former team Scuderia Ferrari.

Then again, if you’re a proper F1 Fan, you already know that.

So how much do you really know Kimi Raikkonen? Well, you are about to find out.

Check this brilliant post on Tumblr. Just do it.

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Everything You Need To Know About Kimi Raikkonen

You’re welcome.

An Open Letter to Kimi Raikkonen.

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Exactly WHAT goes on in that stubborn, secretive, elusive pretty blonde head of yours?

Mr. Kimi Matias Raikkonen,

You’re unbelievable, you know that?

There are very few men in this world who can make my heart race and palpitate faster than a Koenigsegg CC going downhill with its brakes cut off–and yes, you’re very well one of those chosen few. The chosen few who can affect me and my entire week with a single headline.

How very dare you play with the hearts of your supporters for a second year in a row? Just when we were already on the brink of full acceptance and are comfortable with the thought of you staying in WRC, you go and dangle the possibility of an F1 return? Why?! Why make us go through months of speculation, reading-between-lines of confusing and sometimes downright insulting pseudo-journalism in the hopes of finding a clue as to where you’ll be next season?

It’s bad enough that we have to contend with the challenges of our everyday lives, and now you’re forcing us to frantically press F5 or Refresh on our web browsers to check on any Breaking Motorsport News.

For your information, I was fully intent on boycotting Formula One next year, and by boycotting, I mean crossing it out of my Travel Calendar in favor of going to a MotoGP or World Superbikes race, because I’ll have you know that you’re not the only racer I follow, and it’s high time I give them more attention and priority than you, you icy blue-eyed Flying Finn. This talk of an F1 return is completely out of my plan–do you have any idea how much it will cost me to go to a MotoGP race and an F1 race in 1 year? Do excuse me for being a struggling architect and not a multi-millionaire lazeabout.

So, this alleged return of yours, are you really sure you want this? They say you have approached Renault about a seat, correct? To be fair to them, they seem to be vastly improving, race-per-race, not to mention of course, they were WDC and WCC in 2005 and 2006. Let’s just conveniently forget that certain scandal in Singapore circa 2008, which was the fault of a certain Mr. Briatore, anyway. You said you’d only come back to F1 if you can drive a competitive car, and can the Renault deliver that? There’s even talks that a Mercedes drive is another possibility, as Schumacher seems to be leaning towards a swift, and permanent exit from F1. So in order to see you back in F1, I must lose Schumi all over again? Why must that be so?

I have to say though, that the prospect of you driving alongside Robert Kubica is a rather tantalizing one–The Former WDC Flying Finn and the Grounded, Hardworking Pole is certainly a partnership to be scared of. I just pity the poor journos who will most certainly have a hard time extracting quotable quotes and controversial statements from you guys. Hey, you can even have Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” as the unofficial team anthem if the partnership comes into fruition. See, I can still maintain humor in this time of confusion and sheer bewilderment.

To be completely honest, I don’t fully trust anything that the Renault bosses/PR team say at this point, at least not yet. The memory of that bungled McLaren deal at the end of the 2009 season is still a sore spot for me. I was so sure that you’d end up wearing the silver suit yet again, only to have my heart shattered in a million pieces when both camps announced that the deal fell through. The idea of Renault choosing Vitaly Petrov over you blows my mind, though. Actually, if they end up choosing him and not you for 2011, then it’s their loss. They can spout all the PR gloss all they want, but this time around, please make sure the team really wants you and will make the effort to listen to you and take care of you, not just a driver, nor a former WDC, but a respected individual. You deserve nothing less, Kimi. Never settle.

 On the other hand, if you do decide to reject Formula One yet again (clutches pearls) and stay on in WRC, I will not be against it and will support you still. Yes, I will be hurt and I will curse the racing gods for a while, but don’t worry, for I shall survive. At least you will continue to be shielded from the prying eyes and ears of the ruthless F1 press and still be able to battle it out with Racing Heavyweights such as Sebastian Loeb and Mikko Hirvonen. Oh, and sorry to tell you this, but if you do stay in WRC, then you’ll only be joint-top favorite driver of mine, as I’ve already pledged my undying loyalty to Mikko Hirvonen in this racing series years ago. After all, who would have thought that you would transfer to WRC so early in your career? So you can’t blame me for being fond of the Finns, okay? After all, it was Marcus Gronholm who first got me into WRC.

If he stays in WRC, we’ll see more of Relaxed Kimi as opposed to Icy Kimi. Hmmm.

Please Kimi, spare me, nay, spare us, the long and excruciating wait this time around. You cannot rely on your Paul Newman-meets-Bambi boyish good looks forever in appeasing us when times get tough and the burden of the silly season looms in the horizon.

I don’t want to jinx it but if you come back to F1 in 2011, I promise to be a really, really good (albeit destitute) fan.

Hang on, why am I grovelling and making promises to you? You should be the one making up for my broken heart and the impending destruction of my bank account. See the power you have over me?

Damn you, Kimi.

Damn you for being so awesome that I just lost an hour of my real life writing you this letter.

What the heck, you’re worth it. You’re totally and utterly worth the wait.

P.S.  No pressure, but hurry back to F1. Please?

Love,
Bouncebackabilitrix xoxo