Unusual Nicknames In Football.

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Ah, name-calling: a practice that is now inextricable from the intricately-woven culture of football (and sport in general, actually).

Some are “legitimate”, some are gathered from various fansites, forums and word-of-mouth, and some are… from my colorful imagination. Wherever they’re from, all I know is, it is highly amusing and infinitely funnier to give footballers weird monickers:

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Xabi AlonsoMr. Perfect, Dexter, The Long Ranger


Daniel AggerDagger, Aggersome


Nicolas Anelka- Le Sulk

Andrei ArshavinArseshaving

David Beckham- Becksywecksy, Mr. PWhipped, Goldenballs

Joey BartonJoey Farton, JB, Mr. Hipster-Homicidal-Secretly a Teddy Bear Footballer

Craig Bellamy- Bellend

Rafa Benitez- Fat Spanish Waiter

Karim Benzema- KBenz

Dmitar Berbatov- BRBtov

Sepp Blatter- Sepptic Blatter, Sepp BlahBlahtter

Bojan- El Jailbait

Jamie Carragher- Carradonna, 23CarraGold

Iker Casillas- Mofeta, El Dork, San Nevernude

Petr Cech- Cechmate

Ashley Cole- A.Hole, Mr. Tweedy

Didier Drogba- The Drog, The Drog’s Balls

Patrice Evra- Whatevra

Cesc Fabregas- Cescbomb

Rio Ferdinand- Braapder, Oreo

Sir Alex Ferguson- Rednose, Purplenose, Hairdyer Master

Steven Gerrard- The G, Captain Fantastic

Pep Guardiola- Peppers

Guti- El Diva, Gutiiiiii!!!!

Roy Hodgson- Woyster

Gerard Houllier- Monsieur “We’re turning the corner soon”

Mats Hummels- Prince Mats

Andres IniestaCasper, Miniesta, Geniusta

Stephen Ireland- Stephen England; Otter

Toni Kroos- Count Kroos

Philip Lahm- Emperor Lahm

Frank Lampard- Mr. Deflection, Fat Lampard, Lumpard

Juan Mata- John Matter

Jose MourinhoJMo, Trollinho, Maureen

David Moyes- Gollum

Thomas Mueller- Precious Tommy

Michael Owen- Little Mickey, PermaCrock, MUMO

Lionel Messi- Football Messter, Mes Que Un Player

Mesut OzilBambi, Deer-Caught-In-Headlights

Gerard PiqueMr. Moc Moc, Mr. Christmas Tree, Piquechu, Mr. HerpDerp

Lukas Podolski- Polkadot, Prince Poldi

Carles Puyol- Slash, Tarzan

Peter Ramage- Rampage

Sergio Ramos- The Ramos, Alice in Wonderband, The Horse Whisperer, El Caballo

Harry Redknapp- ‘Arry ‘Oudini

Jamie Redknapp- Mr. “He’ll be disappointed with that”, Glass

Pepe Reina- El Jester, Pepsicle

Frank Ribery- The Face

Cristiano Ronaldo- Crispy, Eurogrease, Cristina

Ronaldo- Teletubby, Bucktooth

Wayne Rooney- Grannynator, Shrek

Bastian Schweinsteiger- Swaggermeister

Paul Scholes- Gingerpubes

Alan Shearer- She-Ra

David Silva- David Silver

Martin Skrtel- Skittles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Skrtle

Jay Spearing- Spearochaun

Luis Suarez- Gerbil

John Terry- Cockney Yob

Fernando Torres- Fernanda Tresses, Ratita

Francesco Totti- Top Totty

Victor Valdes- The “Not Iker Casillas” Spanish Goalkeeper, VV

Andre Villas-Boas- Mourinho 2.0, Like A Boas

Neil Warnock- Nutter Neil

Arsene Wenger- Mr. Myopia, Mr. “I Didn’t See The Incident”

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Do you have your own kickass contribution/s? Leave a comment below and I’ll add it/them to the list!

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Video and Photos of the Day: Handbags at El Clasico.

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El Clasico, a.k.a. FC Barcelona vs Real Madrid FC, would not be so hyped if it does not have the requisite drama worthy of cheesy soap operas. This time around, the climactic scene went something like this:

Sergio Ramos of Real Madrid tackles Barca’s Lionel Messi badly.
Messi goes down.
Players from both teams swarm the ref.
Carles Puyol, Barca’s Captain,  tries to talk to Ramos.
Sergio pushes Puyol.
Sergio gets a red card, pushes xavi as he leaves the pitch.
Iker Casillas, Real Madrid Captain, tries to calm Gerard Pique down, etc…

Before that, here are some choice catfight moments from the match:

Carvalho "casually" stretching his elbow to catch Messi in the face. Sneaky. But not like it hasn't been done before.

Cristiano Ronaldo getting all "diva-esque" on Barca boss Pep Guardiola for not giving him the ball, pronto. Chill, gurl.

Basically, drama all around.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the match ended with the scoreline Barcelona 5-0 Real Madrid.

Jose Mourinho got schooled by Pep Guardiola well and proper, y’all.

However, the best part about post-match El Clasico was Andres Iniesta posting a photo of himself sans shorts in his Facebook page. Beating Real Madrid soundly in home turf sure makes a man do some crazy stuff.

Bottomless fun with Iniesta.

I just know this week’s Crackovia episode will be nothing short of EPIC. Stay tuned, folks.

Videos of the Day: The Bully with a Golden Heart (and a Damn Sharp Aim)

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Gerard Pique of FC Barcelona and Spain NT is a man of many talents and achievements–He’s a Premier League, Primera Liga and World Cup winner, occasional model and product endorser, and he’s the object of affection and obsession of countless tweens and women across the globe. However, he seems to have the attention span of a restless four-year old, as he thinks it’s far more interesting to throw snacks at your poor, unsuspecting fitness coach than watch your club demolish the opponents live:

With friends (or colleagues) like Geri, who needs enemies? Although I have to admit, I sort of got annoyed when Puyol put a stop to his antics.

Anyway, to counteract his predilection to playing random pranks (and wasting precious food), this “bully” proved that while he may be a toughie on the outside, he’s as soft as marshmallow on the inside:

Hugging (imaginary) princesses and slaying (imaginary) dragons on his spare time? I officially want him to be my best (platonic) male friend. Move over, Cesc!